Harry Potter meets Facebook
by I Wield The Pen
Summary: An edit of an old fic: When the wizards get hold of muggle social media, hilarity ensues! Harry is in love with himself, Ron is contemplating his feelings, and Cedric sparkles in his new vampire form. This is purely comedic, I am not trying to slander J.K. Rowling's lovely characters :)
1. Chapter 1

_A/N: OMG I'M BAAAAAACK! :D_

_Okay, this story was previously posted on this site, but it was removed because someone reported me for having a story in "script form." To evade this issue, I have added more content to make it more of a narrative than a script._

_For those of you who are new to this story, know this: I love these characters. J.K. Rowling is one of the best authors on this earth. I am in no manner trying to dis her writing; this is purely for comedic purposes._

_I do not own Harry Potter or Facebook_

Harry sighed as he draped his cloak across one of the couches in the Gryffindor common room, stretching his limbs and flexing his nonexistent muscles to the amusement of the girls nearby. It had been another exhausting day of signing autographs, enduring Snape's monotonous lectures, and generally being his awesome self. To take his mind off of all his daily struggles, Harry decided to open his new piece of muggle technology: a laptop. They were all the rage in the wizard community, even with the muggle-hating Slytherins, so he decided to purchase one himself.

Ron and Hermione, his two less attractive lackeys, had begged him to participate in the new social media phenomenon called "Facebook." They claimed that it was an even more efficient system of staying in touch with friends and family than Owls, which Harry found hard to believe. What could be easier than writing a letter with a quill and parchment and then attaching it to a bird that would deliver it a day or so later?

The concept quickly grew on him when he opened an account and instantly had 200 million friends.

Harry became what some would call a "Facebook Addict," going so far as to post daily selfies and pictures of his food (Instagram had yet to be introduced to the wizard community.) When he logged on today, a particularly revolting post caught his attention.

**Hermione: Just finished the **_**Twilight**_** series! I can't wait to watch the movies!**

_Ginny likes this_

Yep, Hermione had officially hit rock bottom.

_Comments:_

_Ginny: I just finished the second movie! Isn't it great?_

_Hermione: Edward is so dreamy!_

_Ron: You two can't be serious…_

_Ginny: Ron, could you go comment elsewhere?_

_Hermione: Yeah, Ron. I mean, have you seen the guy's abs?!_

_Ron: Edward is the most disgusting gay princess I've ever seen! You could do way better, Hermione._

_Hermione: … Are you implying something?_

_Ron: NO!_

_Ginny: You're blushing, Ron._

_Ron: No I'm not, you can't even see me!_

_Ginny: You're sitting right next to me…_

Harry couldn't stand watching this nonsense ensue any longer, so he decided to join in the fray.

_Harry: Seriously, guys, Edward are a total creep._

_Ron: Thank you!_

_Edward: I thought we were friends, Harry._

He leapt out of the couch, causing the laptop to fall onto the floor. First of all, he thought that Edward was a fictional character, and second of all, he had never met him. Therefore, there was no way that he could make assumptions on their friendship. But then again…

He sexily wiped his glasses lens on his shirts (because he did everything sexily) and looked back on the screen. Edward's profile picture was starting to look more familiar.

_Ginny: OH MY GOSH IT'S EDAJDFK;das/fdkan_

_Ron: Ginny just fainted on the keyboard…_

_Hermione: EDWARD CAN I HAVE YOUR AUTOGRAPH?!_

_Edward: Of course, my beautiful Hermione._

_Hermione: OH MY GOKJNDjkldnfjksdngvkjsdfn_

_Ron: And there goes Hermione._

_Harry: Wait a second… Ron, look at his profile picture!_

_Ron: Why, I don't see anything too weir- OMG IT'S CEDRIC_

_Harry: CEDRIC YOU FREAKING DIED_

_Edward: Technically, yes._

_Harry: AND NOW YOU SPARKLE_

_Edward: Yeah._

_Ron: AND YOU'RE A VAMPIRE_

_Edward: Also correct._

_Harry: AND YOU DATE EXPRESSIONLESS GIRLS WHO EXHALE LOUDLY EVERY THIRTY SECONDS_

_Edward: Are you guys bringing Bella into this? Seriously? Harry, you're dating your best friend's sister._

His extreme shock and disgust was quickly replaced with confusion. After all, dating Ginny even though she used to be one of his most devoted fangirls wasn't awkward in the slightest. He actually enjoyed how she fawned over him and praised his every accomplishment.

Not that he was a narcissist or anything.

_Harry: So?_

_Edward: And Ron, you're crushing on the girl who used to have beaver teeth and an afro._

_Hermione: What happened to "my beautiful Hermione?"_

_Ron: She's back, everyone. AND I DON'T HAVE A CRUSH ON HERMIONE!_

_Ginny: Tell it to your diary…_

_Ron: OHMYGOSH GINNY DID YOU TAKE MY DIARY!?_

Harry chuckled at the memory of reading Ron's diary with his girlfriend. The bloody ginger wrote of nothing but his "feelings," and constantly brought up "that weird unicorn-y feeling I get when Hermione is with me." Now that Ron was aware of the intrusion he made on his privacy, perhaps he could inquire about that unicorn-y feeling.

He didn't exactly know how one could feel like a unicorn, but he did feel a burst of adrenaline whenever he looked in the mirror.

_Edward: Burn._

_Harry: Shut up, princess._

_Ginny: Dear Diary, today Hermione looked totally hot in her Yule Ball dre-_

_Ginny has been disconnected_

_Hermione: …Ron?_

_Ron: Oh, look at that, my sister's laptop somehow fell out the window… gee, imagine that._

_Edward: Well, it was nice talking to you all again, but I must bid you adieu. It's almost 10, and I have to crawl through my girlfriend's window so I can watch her sleep._

_Harry: Well… see ya._

Harry acted like he was logging off of the computer, but secretly stayed behind to check if his friends were going to trash-talk him. Or Internet-snog. Whichever came first.

_Hermione: …_

_Ron: …_

_Hermione: Want to pretend this never happened?_

_Ron: Gladly._

Sighing at the lack of entertainment he received from the final banter, he officially logged off of Facebook, taking one last refreshing glance in the mirror (yep, carrying those 300 pound text books was finally beginning to pay off) before going to sleep.

Harry couldn't stifle his sexy giggles (because everything he did was sexy) as he slid his new smart phone under his desk. He now had access to Facebook on the go, which expanded his selfie abilities. The muggle technology was causing students to lose house points left and right- Hufflepuff had been falsely accused so many times that they held -567,345 points in all. Even worse, they were too nice and socially awkward to admit that they weren't the wrong doers.

When it came to Harry, however, there was no need to accuse the badger-loving dimwits. He had become so accustomed to the device that it was practically an extension of his hand, and he used a scrap from his invisibility cloak to conceal it when necessary. Snape had the sharpest eye when it came to spotting the laptops and cell phones, but Harry had learned how to sit at such an angle that his ginormous nose put him in his blind spot.

**Harry: I'm on Facebook during Snape's class! #YOLO**

_Collin and 23 others liked this_

_Comments:_

_Ron: For heaven's sake, Harry, stop using hashtags. This isn't Twitter._

_Harry: Wait, you're on Facebook, too?_

_Neville: And me._

_Draco: And me._

Okay, so maybe he wasn't as skilled as he thought he was. Nevertheless, he would have a hearty laugh when the three other dimwits were caught. Then he could post as many selfies as he'd want without being called "egotistic."

_Harry: JUST LEAVE MALFOY GOSH NO ONE LIKES YOU_

_Draco: Geez, cool your cauldrons, Potter._

_Severus: 10 points from Gryffindor._

_Harry: WHAT_

_Ron: WHAT_

_Neville: WHAT_

_Draco: Ha, in your faces._

_Ron: SNAPE HAS A FACEBOOK_

Harry's eyes darted up to Snape's desk. To his amazement, he was caught in the gaze of the greasy-haired professor, who smirked slightly before pressing the "Enter" button on his keyboard. A private message popped up on his screen from the Potions Instructor, telling him to check his profile page.

His eyes widened when he reached it, and not just because his status was labeled "it's complicated" with his own mother.

_Harry: HOW DOES HE HAVE MORE FOLLOWERS THAN ME!?_

_Hermione: *I_

In all honesty, Harry felt a bit conflicted when he received Voldemort's friend request. After all, he had been trying to kill him for the past few years. At the same time, however, Harry's goal was to acquire 1 million friends by Christmas.

Of course, now he witnessed several gruesome and psychotic posts every day. But that was only a minor issue.

**Voldemort: Just killed another innocent family! #IMEVIL**

_Bellatrix and 23 others like this_

_Comments:_

_Ron: Again with the hashtags!_

_Voldemort: How about I kill you and your family, Weasely?_

_Ron: H-how do you know my last name?_

_Voldemort: It's on your profile page, you idiotic ginger. Is your family too poor to purchase you a brain?_

Harry laughed out loud at the comment- very sexily, might I add- and began to type a response. Humiliating Ron was one of his favorite activities.

_Harry: Ohh, Burn!_

_Ron: Harry, you're complimenting your mortal enemy!_

_Harry: Come on, Ron, you have to admit that it was a good one!_

_Voldemort: BTW, Harry, I'm totally gonna kill you this year._

Harry chuckled again. He'd heard that one before.

_Harry: You've said that for like 5 years already, bro. Just give it a rest._

***Hagrid: Myr dernn fngerss aree to ffat fer thissh keybordh**

_No one likes this_

_*This post was inspired by a Suite Life on Deck episode_

_A/N: Thanks for reading! I really appreciate comments if you feel up for it, and critiques are always welcome! Love ya guys!_

_~Hastalapasta_


	2. Chapter 2

_A/N: Thanks so much to everyone who reviewed last chapter! I really appreciate it._

_Sorry it took so long for me to update, but schoolwork has been exhausting. Again, I don't own the Harry Potter series, and I'm not trying to insult J.K. Rowling's work. This is purely for comedic purposes._

Harry thought- no, _knew-_ that Hermione was having romance issues lately. It was proven when she openly admitted to reading the _Twilight_ series; only the most love-starved people would submit to reading that garbage. He thought that this weekend in particular (the Weasley's decided to have a nice Saturday get-together and had left Hogwarts) would help her sort out her feelings and finally attach them to Ron.

Yes, even lesser beings were capable of finding love.

When he turned on his cell phone the following morning, he couldn't help but grin…sexily.

_**Hermione has changed her relationship status to "it's complicated"**_

__He had to admit: being right felt pretty good. Harry sent a brief message to Ron about checking Hermione's Facebook page, adding a winky face at the end to show that he really meant business.

_Ginny and 14 others like this _

_Comments:_

_Ginny: With who?_

Harry sighed, rolling his eyes. Though his girlfriend was incredibly attractive and attentive to his every desire, she could act so much like her idiotic ginger of a brother. **(A/N: Nothing against gingers, y'all! I was one when I was younger.) **

_Harry: Ron, of course. Didn't you read that comment war with Edward?_

_Ginny: I fainted halfway through, remember?_

Oh. He had forgotten that.

_Ron: I am totally indifferent to this status change._

_Ginny: Ron, when you checked your news feed you squealed like a little girl and danced around the house. Again, don't forget that I live with you._

_Ron: Who's to say that you aren't lying?_

_Fred: Me._

_George: Me._

_Molly: Me._

_Ron: MOM!_

At this point, Harry was considering grabbing a bag of popcorn. Molly Weasely was not only the most epic mom he had ever met; she was also the most embarrassing. _Especially_ when it came to her children's love lives.

Ron might as well have written his will on the spot.

_Molly: Sorry, dear, but you did break my favorite plate during your excited rampage._

_Ron: YOU ARE A FREAKING WIZARD! YOU CAN JUST FIX IT!_

_Molly: I don't like the tone you are using with me, young man._

_Ron: THIS IS FACEBOOK! YOU CAN'T EVEN HEAR ME!_

_Ginny: To be fair, Ron, you do have a tendency to read what you're posting out loud._

_Hermione: Guys, I wasn't talking about Ron. I was talking about Viktor._

His sexy laughter was rudely interrupted by this not-at-all-sexy post.

Uh-oh. All Merlin was about to break loose.

_Harry: WHAT_

_Fred: WHAT_

_George: WHAT_

_Molly: WHAT_

_Ginny: Ron just fainted._

Harry stared intently at the screen, waiting for Hermione to say something to help smooth the situation, or for Ron to properly react (though fainting could be considered a decent reaction.) Nothing happened.

He sat there for seven excruciating minutes, occupying himself by occasionally flexing in the mirror. Finally, something popped up.

_**Ron has changed his relationship status to "it's complicated."**_

__This was turning into a soap opera. Obviously, Harry was the star, a rich billionaire with striking good looks and a dramatic past. This would be a side episode, where he was caught in the crossfire between a romantic-ish battle between two of his kind-sorta friends. The ratings would be through the roof, especially when he'd lost his shirt halfway through. Why hadn't he thought of this before?

_Ginny and 4 others like this_

_Comments:_

_Hermione: …_

_Ginny: I KNEW you'd finally admit that you like Hermione!_

_Ron: Actually, this isn't about Hermione._

If Harry had been drinking anything, he'd have a spit take. In fact, the idea sounded so good to him that he filled a goblet with water and spat it all over the person sitting closest to him, which happened to be Neville. Neville sighed loudly and begin to wipe his face with his robe, not making a sound.

Geez, if the guy insisted on being such a pushover, he should've joined Hufflepuff.

_Harry: Then who is it about?_

_Hermione: Guys, that's his private information. He doesn't have to tell you._

_Ron: Come on, Hermione; stop begging me to tell you. My lips are sealed._

_Hermione: I'm not begging you to tell me anything._

_Ron: Fine, I'll tell you. It's… pause for dramatic effect…_

_Ron: …_

_Ron: …_

_Ginny: FOR THE LOVE OF POTIONS JUST TELL US_

_Ron: … Fleur._

_Ginny: WHAT_

_Harry: WHAT_

Harry performed another spit take on the previously-dry Neville, who didn't bother to clean his face again.

_Hermione: You haven't spoken to her since the Triwizard Tournament, Ron._

_Ron: Yeah, but we had a fairly passionate parting. She even shook my hand._

_Hermione: Does she know your name?_

_Ron: Yeah! She just calls me "Harry Potter's sidekick" for short. We're already on a nickname basis._

_Hermione: "Harry Potter's sidekick" is much longer than "Ron."_

Hmm… "Harry Potter's sidekick." It had a nice ring to it. Perhaps that would be the ginger's new name. Though maybe the word "sidekick" was too rewarding… lackey? Fanboy? Slave? He would think of it later.

_Ginny: Ron, you do know that she's kind of with Bill now, right?_

_Ron: Probably because we look alike. She's totally missing me._

_Harry: Merlin's beard…_

It was official. His friends were hopeless. Honestly, they should've been taking notes on he and Ginny's relationship. It was so sweet how she would constantly take pictures of him and post them in her scrapbook, and how she would squeal with delight at everything he did. Ginny was also the president and founding member of his fan club. She was almost too perfect.

Though he really had to ask her to stop hiding tracking devices in his robe. That was a bit odd.

~o0*0o~

Harry was a genius. He had spent the last five hours ignoring the stacks of homework he had to complete before the next day trying to come up with the perfect Facebook post, and he had finally achieved it.

_**Harry: I saw this cool thing that some Pokémon fans tried out; they all took turns writing a line from the theme song and posting it as a comment chain. We should do the same thing with our own song!**_

__This was almost better than the soap opera idea. He marveled at all of the likes as they stacked up, leaping from 20 to 20,000 and beyond in a matter of seconds. Not that he was surprised, really. His shirtless selfie caused Facebook to shut down for a full seven hours due to excessive likes.

_Colin and 7,584,038 others like this_

_Comments:_

_Harry: Na na na na_

_Ron: Na naaaa naaaa_

_Colin: Na na na na na_

_Parvati: Na naaaaaa_

_Ginny: Na na na na na_

_Neville: What are we doing, guys?_

Harry screamed and flipped a nearby table in the Gryffindor common room, which just happened to be the one Neville was sitting at. His laptop smacked into his oversized head and he fell to the floor, moaning. Everybody else in the area stared at the potato-like child on the ground for a brief moment, and then returned to their previous activities.

_Harry: GOSHDARNIT NEVILLE_

_Ron: YOU BLOODY SCREW UP_

_Hermione: You guys do know that our song is instrumental, right?_

Darn that Hermione. She always had to ruin his dramatic moments with her so-called "logic" and "proper thinking." What a drag. No wonder Ron and Victor were the only males on earth to ever show attraction to that chick.

Packing up his computer, he exited the room, along with most of the other Gryffindor students. They ignored the boy who was still on the floor, twitching slightly whenever anyone stepped on him.

~o0*0o~

Harry smirked as he approached his totally hot girlfriend Ginny, who was sitting at the Gryffindor table in the great hall. She was submerged in a conversation with Patil and Parvati, gesturing furiously as she talked. The twins seemed grateful when he sat down, catching the girl's attention and allowing them to escape from their talk.

"Harry, you need to check your Facebook _right now_!" Ginny stared at him meaningfully before he sighed and pulled out his laptop from his robes (it took a lot of duct tape to keep in in there) and opened it up. A recent post immediately piqued his interest.

_**Cho: Sometimes I like to think about all of the things that we never got to do, and though your love was the strongest I've ever felt, the heartbreak had the same amount of power. I would always get lost in your eyes, yet now I find myself lost in my own mind. Your smile would tug at my heartstrings, but now all I feel is heartbreak. The hardest part is that no matter how long my love lasts, we will never have what we once had… /3**_

Well.

_Well._

It seemed that Harry had an even stronger influence over the ladies than he previously thought.

"Can you believe her," Ginny growled over his shoulder, glaring at the very post he had just finished reading. "She's a total stereotypical psycho ex-girlfriend! Doesn't she know that we're dating now? I mean, I mention that you're my boyfriend, like, a hundred times a day!" She continued to rant about how peeved she was at Cho, and how she would never speak to Padma and Parvati ever again for liking that post, and blabbity-blah. Harry was too busy trying to catch Cho's attention through sexy glances and hair flips. Sure, he was dating Ginny, but she was so psyched about dating her lifelong crush that she wouldn't mind another chick hanging around. Cho was super-hot and totally into him, the two most important factors of a strong relationship.

He made a mental not to research if wizards allowed polygamy.

_Parvati and 42 others liked this_

_Comments:_

_Parvati: That was so deep, Cho!_

_Padma: Totally. Guys really suck, you know?_

What? Padma had it absolutely wrong. This wasn't an angry jab at her past with Harry, it was a desperate plea for him to show her some sort of attention.

Sighing dramatically, he complied with the girl's obvious wish.

_Harry: Oh, please… Cho, I get it, ok?_

_Cho: What?_

_Harry: Look, I'm dating Ginny now. You're going to have to move on. Or become comfortable with being a less important love interest._

_Ginny: Yeah, back off._

Harry noted Ginny's act of ignoring the last part of his comment. Perhaps the whole polygamy thing would work out.

_Cho: I wasn't talking about you, Harry. I was talking about Cedric._

Oh.

That sparkling twit just had to ruin his moment.

_Harry: ..._

_Parvati: You should feel ashamed._

_Ginny: I apologize for my boyfriend's behavior._

_Harry: You were the one to tell her to 'back off!'_

_Edward: Cho, I'm right here!_

A scream rang out in the common room. Most people ignored it (it was probably the Slytherins torturing the first years again), but Harry turned to see that it was Cho. He had forgotten that she had not yet seen Cedric in his, *ahem*, sparkly form. Turning back to his laptop, Harry decided to just sit back and enjoy the rest of the comments.

_Cho: WHAT THE CRAP! WHY ARE YOU SO PALE AND FEMININE?_

_Harry: That's what I said._

_Bella: And he has a girlfriend._

_Harry: Not this again…_

_Cho: Who's Bella, and how did she reach this conversation?_

_Bella: HIS GIRLFRIEND YOU LITTLE WITCH_

_Cho: I am a witch. And according to your profile picture, you need plastic surgery._

_Harry: BURN_

_Edward: Bella, let's not bother arguing with these people. Come over to my place, and you can watch me rip innocent animals into shreds with my fangs as I feast on their blood._

_Bella: Sounds good to me._

_Cho: Why did I ever date him…_

Harry had to nod in agreement with Cho's last comment. Honestly, she picked that freak over him, the sexiest wizard alive!

Ginny, satisfied with the lack of competition for her boyfriend's heart, squealed and began to list off his many perfections in a fit of glee. Yeah, she was obsessive, but she would do for the time being.

~o0*0o~

It was two in the morning and Harry was bored. After ruling out doing trivial things like homework or reading (who invented books anyway?), he decided to get back on Facebook. To his surprise, a bunch of others had logged on as well.

_**Luna: I seem to have misplaced my shoes again…**_

_Draco and 5 others like this_

_Comments:_

_Draco: Gee, I wonder where they could've gone… :D_

Hmm… that smiley face seemed suspicious… eh, whatever. He continued to scroll down, and then noticed a post from the headmaster.

_**Dumbledore: Finally got a Facebook! #Swaggalicious #KoolKidz**_

_No one likes this_

_Comments:_

_Ron: I'm not even going to comment on the use of hashtags…_

_Ginny: You just did._

_Voldemort: Dumbledore, why haven't you accepted my friend request?_

Harry's eyes nearly bugged out of his head when he read the comment by the murderer of his parents, typing up a reply so fast that his fingers blurred.

Well, perhaps that was a bit of an exaggeration. Harry wasn't exactly skilled at typing, so he had to resort to the search-and-peck routine.

_Harry: BECAUSE YOU TWO ARE SWORN ENEMIES!_

_**Dumbledore and Voldemort are now friends**_

__Wait. WHAT.

_Lucius and 12 others liked this_

_Harry: WTC_

_Dumbledore: I have Sims requests to send to people, Harry. I need all the friends I can get._

All of his previous anger melted away, and he nodded in understanding. While Harry viewed the game as a fun pastime, Dumbledore probably had to use it as an escape from the horrible reality of his real life. He was old, ugly, and had no chance at love.

Sometimes he would get caught up in his own mind and forget how pathetic the rest of the world was.

As he continued to scroll past some of the posts (just a bunch of pointless junk; someone lost their shoe, someone got a new haircut, someone gave birth to triplets) when his godfather's most recent message came into view. It always took a second for him to recognize that it was indeed Sirius Black who had posted. Since he was being hunted down and all, it wasn't safe for him to explicitly show his name on his page. That would just be _stupid._

_**IM-NOT-Sirius: I just pooped on Voldemort's front lawn!**_

_Harry and 257 others liked this_

_Comments:_

_Voldemort: I WILL GET YOU_

_Peter: That's just sick, man._

_IM-NOT-Sirius: Hey, I'm an animagus, alright? I turn into a dog. It's not like I pooped in human form._

_Lucius: Hmm… just like Sirius Black, the Azkaban escapee…_

Harry was too busy laughing hysterically to really care about the fact that his godfather could very soon be captured and sent away to Azkaban. Pooping on Voldemort's front lawn was a perfect way to avenge the death of his parents!

_IM-NOT-Sirius: SHUT UP MALFOY_

_Lucius: How did you know my last name?_

_Voldemort: Gosh, Lucius, you're so stupid. This guy is obviously not Sirius Black; haven't you read his username?_

_Peter: And this is Facebook. He could just go to your profile to get your last name._

_Lucius: You guys can't be serious…_

_Voldemort: Oh, now you think that we're Sirius? You know us, man!_

_Lucius: No, not Sirius! Serious!_

_Peter: I don't see a difference, here._

_Lucius: For heaven's sake…_

Harry finished reading the last comment, slightly confused by the accusations that had been made, and shut down his laptop.

He could just figure it out tomorrow.

_A/N: Thanks for reading! If you want me to include more of a certain character or have ideas for future chapters, please let me know!_

_By the way, the part about Dumbledore and the Sims requests was inspired by this picture:_ _ clubs/harry-potter-vs-twilight/images/14799851/title/farmville-much-photo_

_~Hastalapasta_


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